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Funny horoscopes and fortunes : Welcome

Our funny horoscope section just got funnier! Brought to you by our favourite astrlogy expert of the stars Ermstrum Galanheit, choose from your star sign and check out your free daily comedy horoscopes, your love and romance readings for 2006 and your very own star-sign profile, whatever zodiac you are! Just click on the appropriate starsign below and you'll be whisked away into a hilarious horoscope journey.

Aries 21 March - 19 April Aries Horoscope for Today Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing. But a brown-sauce is not always a brown-sauce. Any amount of feelings you have won't save you from utter... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Aries Horoscope for 2008 Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might thinking "Well, now that just seems like a fairly standard amount of lady". And if you think that, well then I will have done my job. Bra... View Full Romantic Horoscope Aries Star-Sign Profile Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s... View Full Profile »

Taurus 20 April - 20 May Taurus Horoscope for Today Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Although I've added tenses to all the verbs, because they don't seem to understand time. Y... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Taurus Horoscope for 2008 Although it is true that you are not bound to find love, love may instead find you. If it does, ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Taurus Star-Sign Profile Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest... View Full Profile »

Gemini 21 May - 21 June Gemini Horoscope for Today Careful how you handle yourself today - others may be more tense than usual. Be warned about your general demeanour today as others will not take kindly to happy-clappy ... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Gemini Horoscope for 2008 Love does hide in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the stranges places you've ever heard of. Or it could be hidden in a larder, bound and gagged. There a... View Full Romantic Horoscope Gemini Star-Sign Profile Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred... View Full Profile »

Cancer 22 June - 22 July Cancer Horoscope for Today The odds on you surviving the day with your sanity intact are low. With all you've been through you should be glad that this week wi... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Cancer Horoscope for 2008 You will feel cleansed this week after a visit to an oncologist ends with sexy results. Or at least, you'll prefer to think of them as sexy though your nightmares may l... View Full Romantic Horoscope Cancer Star-Sign Profile Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD... View Full Profile »

Leo 23 July - 22 August Leo Horoscope for Today Hope can be found in the bottom of some packets of cereal. However, relying on this fact is probably a folly you should avoid. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you prob... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Leo Horoscope for 2008 Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Leo Star-Sign Profile Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us... View Full Profile »

Virgo 23 August - 22 September Virgo Horoscope for Today Everything you have done is brilliant and you will get the reward you richly deserve. Things are going to come to a head today... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Virgo Horoscope for 2008 You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. The odds are that you'l... View Full Romantic Horoscope Virgo Star-Sign Profile Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving... View Full Profile »

Libra 23 September - 23 October Libra Horoscope for Today Jesus himself could not have done a better job than you will do today. Although Jesus would probably have a better idea of the correct t... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Libra Horoscope for 2008 I would estimate that at least 50% of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Life is like that this week and just when you start to get used to it you'll suddenly receive a big pick-me-up. Destiny awaits you and is waiti... View Full Romantic Horoscope Libra Star-Sign Profile Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be... View Full Profile »

Scorpio 24 October - 21 November Scorpio Horoscope for Today If it were possible to hold onto your charm, then you'd find fortune. However, people will soon start to find you predictable and... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Scorpio Horoscope for 2008 Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Prepare yourself because your life is set for the biggest change you've se... View Full Romantic Horoscope Scorpio Star-Sign Profile Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes... View Full Profile »

Sagittarius 22 November - 21 December Sagittarius Horoscope for Today You may be left to pick up the pieces of someone else's failures today. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be ... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Sagittarius Horoscope for 2008 Ten people will confess a manic love for you today. And to think, one i... View Full Romantic Horoscope Sagittarius Star-Sign Profile Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit... View Full Profile »

Capricorn 22 December - 19 January Capricorn Horoscope for Today Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts with ice-cream and bacon bits may revive them,... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Capricorn Horoscope for 2008 The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking, covered in mysterious powder, or have red-stamped URGENT all over it. Everytime you have a weird day you wonder whether there... View Full Romantic Horoscope Capricorn Star-Sign Profile Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing... View Full Profile »

Aquarius 20 January - 18 February Aquarius Horoscope for Today Scraping the barrel doesn't always mean that you have to consume your own waste. The good thing about the internet is that no-one knows quite how distu... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Aquarius Horoscope for 2008 The best you could ever really hope for will appear to you today in a day dream. Although this vision may... View Full Romantic Horoscope Aquarius Star-Sign Profile Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine... View Full Profile »

Pisces 19 February - 20 March Pisces Horoscope for Today There is no word "ecseterar". And it's *definitely* not abbreviated as e... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Pisces Horoscope for 2008 This week will see big advances in your love life. Your lonely existence will be replaced with a slightly less lonely existence when you are given a blow-up doll as a joke. Little do they know that this is exactly the gift you've been looking for... A horoscope will af... View Full Romantic Horoscope Pisces Star-Sign Profile Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers... View Full Profile »