Funny horoscopes and fortunes for 2010

The capital of you is your heart - never forget that. Wood may be lucky for you ...

It's a funny old world so you have to be wary of the people close by you. Some are out to get you in a mean way whilst some are out to get you in a physically pleasurable way. Sadly you'll be unable to...

Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s...

Harsh words may be spoken by a loved one today. Today you will find that your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are....

Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. A report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over ...

Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest...

You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. Try to absorb plants into your skin in order to make yourself into some kind of Marvel Super Hero. Vegetables ha...

Biscuits can provide a pleasurable sensation when placed in the mouth. Something you learn today will put off a potential lover. True Love is only ever one step away. B...

Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred...

Feel free to go dancing until 3am with various transsexuals at a local notorious disco. Only this way will you be able to say "I've danced till the early morn with some crazy ben...

Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might thinking "Well, no...

Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD...

Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian spies, or possibly wannabe astronomer...

Cheating is going to occur within the next day, although it is unsure who...

Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us...

Angles may become a nuisance today, especially 90 degree angles. Boy - they're the worst! You...

Alice in wonderland, now there was a lady who wasn't big on being small. And I'm not an astrologer who is keen on avoiding making daft puns. However, you're goin...

Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving...

Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week. Crying over spilt mi...

Someone close to you will brush your arm today in a way that will make you think that you're "in there"....

Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be...

Gifts can be given and received at the same time, but fights can start over the simplest of thin...

The screaming of multiplication tables during love-making may help you temper yourself but is ...

Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes...

Reality TV shows are not crying out for someone like yourself. You are not photogenic and could probably do with setting your sights much lower. All the time you spent on learning French is never going to pay off. You...

You will overhear gossip today about your love life whilst you are sat on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways bef...

Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit...

Any joke you have to seriously think about today is not worth 'getting'. This sad horoscope was brought to you in association with u...

The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets within touching distance, or possibly even turn around. But don't turn around for too long or the light will be gone. We think it'...

Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing...

You may feel like starving yourself today in order to lose some weight. Live like you would like and...

You will be unable to avoid the animals charges that explode throughout your body today and as such it m...

Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine...

Any satisfaction you had about not having a police record, may be undone today. The size of your shoes indicates that you are unlikely to fall ...

"Love in spoonfuls" - a great way to sign off a flirty email, but not a particularly practical ...

Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers...