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Funny horoscopes and fortunes for 2009

Our funny horoscope section just got funnier! Brought to you by our favourite astrlogy expert of the stars Ermstrum Galanheit, choose from your star sign and check out your free daily comedy horoscopes, your love and romance readings for 2006 and your very own star-sign profile, whatever zodiac you are! Just click on the appropriate starsign below and you'll be whisked away into a hilarious horoscope journey.

Aries 21 March - 19 April Aries Horoscope for Today The dead are unlikely to rise from their graves today, but this should not deter you from starting your "Anti-Zombie" fan club. It's one thing to pick your nose, but did you notice that your colleague always wipes it in the same place under his desk? Check the... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Aries Horoscope for 2009 Plans for the future are put on hold today as a certai... View Full Romantic Horoscope Aries Star-Sign Profile Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s... View Full Profile »

Taurus 20 April - 20 May Taurus Horoscope for Today Everything you read online today may turn out to be a complete sham, or alternatively contain very inciteful tidbits detailing the most intimate details of your u... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Taurus Horoscope for 2009 Peterborough will feature high on the agenda tomorrow, although the reason for this may not become immedia... View Full Romantic Horoscope Taurus Star-Sign Profile Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest... View Full Profile »

Gemini 21 May - 21 June Gemini Horoscope for Today Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. The feeling in the pit of your stomach... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Gemini Horoscope for 2009 Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. You will feel cleansed this week after a visit to ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Gemini Star-Sign Profile Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred... View Full Profile »

Cancer 22 June - 22 July Cancer Horoscope for Today Kindling is always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2x4 plank. P... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Cancer Horoscope for 2009 It's a funny old world so you have to be wary of the people close by you. Some are out to get you in a mean way whilst some are out to get you in a physically pleasurable way. Sadly you'll be unable to work out who's who and that's your main problem today - who wants you and who wants to hurt you. Testing times will appear over the next week to have destroyed any hope you had with a particular someone. If those testing times are actually "exams" and the particul... View Full Romantic Horoscope Cancer Star-Sign Profile Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD... View Full Profile »

Leo 23 July - 22 August Leo Horoscope for Today Almost everything you feel about life is unwarranted. You should feel almost the opposite about life at the moment and embrace your worst fears. Today might be ti... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Leo Horoscope for 2009 Something happens today that will make you sit up and believe that you are here for a purpose. Then a swift r... View Full Romantic Horoscope Leo Star-Sign Profile Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us... View Full Profile »

Virgo 23 August - 22 September Virgo Horoscope for Today Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery luck. Waiting for important email will take precedent over... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Virgo Horoscope for 2009 Destiny awaits you and is waiting with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Everything is going perfectly and nothing is going... View Full Romantic Horoscope Virgo Star-Sign Profile Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving... View Full Profile »

Libra 23 September - 23 October Libra Horoscope for Today Applying yourself to your work may be the only way you can crush the thoughts that rampage through your ill-mind. Half of what you think you're good at is actually a complete fluke. This week may see... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Libra Horoscope for 2009 Love will come your way if you let it. If you don't i... View Full Romantic Horoscope Libra Star-Sign Profile Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be... View Full Profile »

Scorpio 24 October - 21 November Scorpio Horoscope for Today You might find yourself on the wrong end of a stick of wood today. The number I am thinking of is 12. This is not the number y... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Scorpio Horoscope for 2009 Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly of them diagonal. Oh that wacky crazy love - no curvy lines for *it*, no sirree! The star... View Full Romantic Horoscope Scorpio Star-Sign Profile Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes... View Full Profile »

Sagittarius 22 November - 21 December Sagittarius Horoscope for Today You may find at some point this week that you are suddenly thought of as being moliminous, although how much this is to do with the fact that you'll be carrying a very large loaded gun, is up for debate. Whenever y... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Sagittarius Horoscope for 2009 Your resolve to wait until you are married is very creditable. After all, this way you'll....I mean, if you wait then.... er.... aw, stuff it. If you wait you'll only think about the years ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Sagittarius Star-Sign Profile Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit... View Full Profile »

Capricorn 22 December - 19 January Capricorn Horoscope for Today Pickles are a source of joy for you this week. Tantric is not a cuss-word you want to use around the office. It's not... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Capricorn Horoscope for 2009 Be aware that all queues are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like rollercoasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person an... View Full Romantic Horoscope Capricorn Star-Sign Profile Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing... View Full Profile »

Aquarius 20 January - 18 February Aquarius Horoscope for Today All the email addresses in the world won't make up for the fact that you are socially retarded. Hope can solve nearly all of your problems today. Until t... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Aquarius Horoscope for 2009 A taxi-line may be a surprising place for love to strike today. And of course, you'll be parted without getting each others phone numbers or having any chance of meeting again because they just arrived on the train and don't live anywhere near here. Still, love can do that, can't it? To say that ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Aquarius Star-Sign Profile Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine... View Full Profile »

Pisces 19 February - 20 March Pisces Horoscope for Today Unwashed and lonely - don't let your future become this. Only you hold the key to getting yourself out of your personal gutter. You think "pink", but you buy "blue". T... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Pisces Horoscope for 2009 The tattered remains of your heart will serve you well today. They will prevent you being at all charitable an... View Full Romantic Horoscope Pisces Star-Sign Profile Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers... View Full Profile »