Funny horoscopes and fortunes for 2010

Our funny horoscopes just got funnier! Brought to you by our favourite zodiac expert Ermstrum Galanheit, choose from your star sign and check out your free daily funny horoscope, your love and romance readings for 2010 and your very own star-sign profile, whatever zodiac you are! Just click on the appropriate zodiac sign below and you'll be whisked away into a hilarious horoscope journey.

Aries 21 March - 19 April Aries Horoscope for Today A horoscope writer nearby may suffer from brain-related, spirit-induced, pains over the coming months. This may cause the odd horoscope to be imperfect but tantalising. If you lose money today you... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Aries Horoscope for 2010 The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. However, since it is possible to pay for these things one wonders this week whether they ought to be tried that way, too. ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Aries Star-Sign Profile Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s... View Full Profile »

Taurus 20 April - 20 May Taurus Horoscope for Today It probably seems unreal right now, but you are likely to meet a long-lost relative over the coming month or so. Describing yourself in a local rag as "A badass dude from th... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Taurus Horoscope for 2010 Cheating is going to occur within the next day, although it is unsure who... View Full Romantic Horoscope Taurus Star-Sign Profile Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest... View Full Profile »

Gemini 21 May - 21 June Gemini Horoscope for Today Hopefully the pains you're currently experiencing will disappear over the coming hours. A picture frame will feature highly in your day today and will probably make you feel like you'd never gotten out of bed. Indeed, you'... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Gemini Horoscope for 2010 True Love is only ever one step away. But then so is it's ever present bosom-buddies, Abject Failure and Humiliation. You may start to wonder this week why True Love chooses to keep such rotten company. Your resolve ... View Full Romantic Horoscope Gemini Star-Sign Profile Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred... View Full Profile »

Cancer 22 June - 22 July Cancer Horoscope for Today Spreading lies about colleagues or friends may see dwindling relationships with those around you. And, yes, of course I know that's obvious - but you're the one who's going to do it! The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's b... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Cancer Horoscope for 2010 Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Fun times lie ahead but be wary of th... View Full Romantic Horoscope Cancer Star-Sign Profile Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD... View Full Profile »

Leo 23 July - 22 August Leo Horoscope for Today You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked by some 12 year old American girl. However, you will soon come to realise that actually a family pet has chewed through the cord of your mouse. Clowns with pickaxes ... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Leo Horoscope for 2010 Charity begins at home. So when you get home remember to give something to your loved one that is unexpected and rude. When questioned you can be armed with the ready response "Charity begins a... View Full Romantic Horoscope Leo Star-Sign Profile Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us... View Full Profile »

Virgo 23 August - 22 September Virgo Horoscope for Today Today's mishaps will come in the shape of a toad, whilst salvation will come in the shape of a large truck. There's a future in toad-jam, by the way, if you're at all interested. It tastes lousy but makes a really good insect repellent. The medical degrees you cla... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Virgo Horoscope for 2010 Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude. However, please be aw... View Full Romantic Horoscope Virgo Star-Sign Profile Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving... View Full Profile »

Libra 23 September - 23 October Libra Horoscope for Today You must relax more, take long walks and fill the bath up really full so that you can soak those weary lim... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Libra Horoscope for 2010 Love does hide in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the stranges places you've ever heard of. Or it could be hidden in a larder, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in lard... View Full Romantic Horoscope Libra Star-Sign Profile Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be... View Full Profile »

Scorpio 24 October - 21 November Scorpio Horoscope for Today A trip to the doctor's should quell any anxiety you have about being a pair of curtains, althou... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Scorpio Horoscope for 2010 Filling the gap in your love life can be done with pies, tartes and loaves of unleavened bread. However, it generally is much easier to actually not eat all that stuff and go out and find love. It is unlikely to be hiding either underneath stones,... View Full Romantic Horoscope Scorpio Star-Sign Profile Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes... View Full Profile »

Sagittarius 22 November - 21 December Sagittarius Horoscope for Today People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy and helpless" is probably not what they had in mind. A hair... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Sagittarius Horoscope for 2010 This is a test horoscope. You should never receive this unless for some reason you are at odds with the Stars. Are you at odds? Naturally your instinct will be to find love in p... View Full Romantic Horoscope Sagittarius Star-Sign Profile Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit... View Full Profile »

Capricorn 22 December - 19 January Capricorn Horoscope for Today Luckily, today is the best day you're going to have over the coming months - so let loose. Incidentally, it may be in your "letting loose" that you cause the accident that s... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Capricorn Horoscope for 2010 This week will see big advances in your love life. Your lonely existence will be replaced with a slightly less lonely existence... View Full Romantic Horoscope Capricorn Star-Sign Profile Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing... View Full Profile »

Aquarius 20 January - 18 February Aquarius Horoscope for Today To make yourself feel beautiful, hug a tree, kiss a baby, read a classic, and then take a long train journey. After that, you'll still be an ugly bugger, but you'll be so tired you won't even care. You might feel "world weary", but ... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Aquarius Horoscope for 2010 Hat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll be looking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves. Deft swift strokes of the han... View Full Romantic Horoscope Aquarius Star-Sign Profile Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine... View Full Profile »

Pisces 19 February - 20 March Pisces Horoscope for Today The thought of you losing your mind is making you lose your mind. If you ever get out of that hole, the chances are that you're still going to be a neurotic plague of badness. Dance l... View Today's Full Horoscope » Romantic Pisces Horoscope for 2010 Love will come your way if you let it. If you don't i... View Full Romantic Horoscope Pisces Star-Sign Profile Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers... View Full Profile »