Funny horoscopes and fortunes for 2013 - parody astrology

Your lucky drink for today is: Coke. ...

The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. However, since it is possible to pay for these things one wonders this week whether they ou...

Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s...

Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Complete the sentence: "My da...

Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "that thing I know" or "unstranger". This week will see big advances in your love life. Y...

Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest...

This week may cause some problems for you as your secrets are shared across the interne...

Putty may be an important object for you today, as ...

Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred...

Everyone wants what's best for you, in terms of reducing the amount of time you are allowed t...

Love is like a big joke where the punchline doesn't make any sense. Because even after your friends explain it to you it still won't make any sense. But it'll happen and it'll make you feel pretty good about yourself. Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump int...

Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD...

Be wary of all new friends today as they may turn out to be Russian spies, or possi...

A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you think whether you're as committed as you ought to be. Deft swift strokes of the hand when writing may be the turn-on that a work-chum needs to...

Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us...

Don't take everything you have for granted - insure everything for 125% of...

The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and standing toe-t...

Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving...

Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today. You are finally ready to face the world as yourself this week, so don't be afraid of anything. Broken bon...

The colours red and purple will mean a lot to you today as you're...

Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be...

You have many more years ahead of you. Personal warranties don't mean that you're ever going get your money back on that piece of crap you bought of the...

Prepare yourself because your life is set for the biggest change you've seen in a long time. Your love life is ready to flouri...

Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes...

When there's work to be done, there's no shame in procrastination. Regret can hurt you ...

Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelace and stare at a friend's crotch. Naturally...

Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit...

If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed. Everything positive that could possibly happen to you is waiting around the corner. This we...

Tenderness ought to be tried whenever possible. Always slapping the ass of your lover during love-making will not always be a turn on. Especially during or after 'piles' problems. Crazy people have been know...

Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing...

If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings you are likely to fall flat on your arse. If lif...

Something of a chain reaction will occur this week when each person you tell "I love you!" starts thinking that you've lost it and therefore stop thinking of you in the same way. Cooking dinner for a speci...

Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine...

The colour blue will give you cause for resentment today. Two heads are better than one if you're trying to...

This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and dry, sweet smelling stop-overs in arctic bunkers. This horoscope...

Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers...