Funny horoscopes and fortunes for 2012

People older than you often ask your opinion because you are a trend setter and a marvellous role model for society in general. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. You...

Significant other, or S.O., is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one....

Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s...

Peaches and cream - if only more things were like these two beautiful, oft-paired, delights. Moving house is very str...

Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you came...

Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest...

When walking down the street, trying not to step on the cracks in the stone, y...

This week will see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair and start wearing dungarees and army boots to bed. Football hasn't been known, his...

Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred...

You don't have the right to tell anyone what to do, no matter how much you've lived through or how much you earn. Spreading lies about colleagues or friends may see dwindling relationships with th...

You will overhear gossip today about your love life whilst you are sat on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear th...

Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD...

Night terrors will plague you throughout this month and you may feel that people, both living and dead, are...

You notice that in films, it is always those opposite-sex characters who are continually angry with each other, who eventually climb into bed and have lots of fun. As tempting as it might be to see if your nemesis is up for a rumble, be aware that nipples don't gr...

Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us...

Breaking bad news to someone today may break your heart, but please remember to wash the blood off your hands...

Your marital status may change this week, either due to some pre-planned marriage type thing, or po...

Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving...

A film will set you straight about a number of things today and will also serve to kill between one and a half and two and a half hours of the day. Probably. Sorry, it&...

"Love in spoonfuls" - a great way to sign off a flirty email, but not a particularly practical ...

Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be...

Your mind is filled with thoughts of sexual inadequacy and hey, maybe you're right. Hopefulness can be a virtue, but naivity can bring yo...

Love should be grasped like a nettle and embraced like a bulldog, never let ...

Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes...

Your future may be tainted by a mistake in your past. Now is the time for a new resolution. You ...

Cup holders are terribly romantic so if you're in doubt you can always send ...

Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit...

This week, Microsoft Word may define your grammar as "poorly constructed" and full of "run on sentences". You're d...

Terrible consequences will occur when you fall out with someone today. Make sure you avoid that situation by giving in immediately and giving them whatever they want regardless of practicality or whether it's physically possible. During the week things will suddenly see...

Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing...

And this was what was written in a sandwich in Mexico. Strangeness, huh? Gloomy times lay...

Everytime you have a weird day you wonder whether there's someone out there controlling your destiny. Is it possible for this kind of thing to happen by chance? You wonder. Today is going to be one of those days, though it is difficult to say whethe...

Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine...

Show a loved one you care. You're generally hopeless with money, so this week should come as a s...

Only love can break your heart...but trans-...

Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers...