WAGs not dogs - England's footballers' wives confess to non-canine activities

In the England camp at Baden-Baden, you'd be forgiven for assuming the players had their own "man's best friend", the way the press is describing their WAGs. Now, for those who don't know, WAG stands for Wives And Girlfriends (a little homophobic, methinks, surely it should be Boyfriends And Girlfriends And Wives AND Husbands [BAGAWAH]) and is not refering to dogs. However, the British press (and actually the international press, as well) is giving the WAGs a hard time, portraying them as hard-partying binge-anorexics for whom giving a lap-dance is the same as having a kebab at the end of a night-out: your body demands you do it, every time.

However, we caught up with the WAGs to give their side of the seedy story. In particular, Ashley Cole's WAG, Cheryl Tweedy was keen to put her side of the story forward:

"I'm not talking to your piss-ant website!" she first declared. However, upon subtle persuasion (actually bribery, we had a few up-skirt shots of Ms Tweedy which we declared we'd sell to the Daily Star), she granted us a more formal answer to our questions. "It's just not fair, we're not the kind of people that the media give us credit for. I mean, er, tarnish us with. You know, I've got me own money and so have most of the girls, so it's not like we're begging for scraps or anything. We love our HABs (Husbands and Boyfriends) and respect them as much as they respect us."

Former Spice-Girl, Victoria Beckham, wife of "puke-tastic" David, agreed:

"It's not all fun being a footballer's wife. Sometimes you have to hold your child in your arms during a football match and that's really hard work. Have you ever held a child for that long?! They're heavy! And about the boozing, well that's just nonsense. Sometimes we dance on the tables and flash our wotsits (presumably not orange and cheesy) but it's not because of booze! It's just what we're, like, internally programmed to do!"

So, it's true, WAGs are not dogs. Or at least, I think we've proved that. Or have we? Maybe we shouldn't have made up the headline before writing up the story, because it appears to me that we just proved the opposite. Ah, well.

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