Man finds multiple equivalents to a "dame" - Ruins song!

Greetings, fellow showbusinessmen and showbusinesswomen,

I have been involved in this industry for many years. In my time I've seen many showbiz abuses go unpunished and it's about time we stood up, in particular, to the writers of musicals who have shown us nothing but contempt by continually lying about what should be simple facts. If you try to lay down the law in form of a song, then please, get your facts right.

Following is a short list of some of the most misleading items we have found thus far:

There Is Nothing Like A Dame (from South Pacific)

Oh really? Because that's not what we've been hearing. In fact, several gay-groups (not boy bands) have requested this line be altered in all reproductions of this show. It has not yet been agreed what any alternative lyrics may be but if you have any suggestions, please drop me a line: joe@laughsend.net.

There's No Business Like Showbusiness (from There's No Business Like Showbusiness)

A poll taken in 1998 by commuters in New York showed that 93% of all those questioned believed that their occupation was indeed exactly like showbusiness. Recent studies have confirmed this figure to be steady throughout the world's largest cities.

The Candy Man Can (from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

We have several disparate reports about this one. It does appear that the Candy Man is an able person, however varying degrees of ability have been suggested. In Ohio it has been found that a number of people have been left wanting after the Candy Man was unable to help them with their requests. The greatest number of people satisfied with the Candy Man's abilities, were found in Europe. Over 56% of all those questioned regarded the Candy Man as their first calling place in a crisis.

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music (from The Sound of Music)

As ever, tax dollars have been well spent by sending troops of our best men out to test the fields, hills and rocky areas of the Austrian Alps. However, we have been unable to confirm the claim that the hills are alive with any noticeable sound.

You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile (from Annie)

Although everyone in our study appears predispositioned to abhor anything to do with this god-awful production, we did find reasonable ground to be at odds with this claim. To prove the claim once and for all, we devised a test that made absolutely no sense to anyone, but somehow did "feel" right. The idea was to stroll naked through Central Park in New York, wearing nought BUT a smile, this presumably being enough dressing up to avoid arrest. My arrest and subsequent pain brought on by my naked body being thrown into a holding cell, did nothing to relieve my thoughts about the musical Annie. Anyway, the claim that "You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile" was found to be misleading, even though we fully accept that our experiment made no sense whatsoever.